Top 5 Most Dysfunctional Relationships on Television

1. House and Cuddy
2. Tony and Carmela
3. Ronnie and Sammi
4. Clay and Gemma
5. Charlie Harper and any woman

1. House: Greg House and Lisa Cuddy

Number one comes in from one of my longest running shows of all time; House. Sadly, this medical drama will be coming to a close after this season, but Fox brought us one of the most compelling, complicated and treacherous relationships of all time.

For those that don’t know, House is a medical genius and a first class asshole. He takes on the complicated cases not because he cares about the patient. He cares about the mystery of the disease. You can imagine how this human would interact with others. His boss for many a season was Lisa Cuddy. Ironically enough, after his first wife, this was his next mystery. Long story short, Cuddy actually loves him back and they form a relationship in season seven. This is not your normal relationship. Imagine a couple who never trusts each other. As a result, they analyze their lover’s every move. That is their relationship in a nutshell. If Cuddy didn’t eat her entire lunch, House would have to hypothesis what that meant. What was she thinking? Did something happen that morning? Now I realize a medical mind feels there is a scientific explanation for all decisions, but come on. There was no trust. There was no inner commitment. There was love, but it seemed to always be in question by one or the other. This relationship had no shot.

In the end, Cuddy realizes House hasn’t changed and never will. In return, House resorts back to drugs (an ongoing issue with the show) and drives his car into Cuddy’s dining room. Nice finish to a season, right? When you pull all these factors together, you get the top spot on my five most dysfunctional relationships on TV.

2. The Sopranos: Tony and Carmela

Considering I don’t have any friends in the mob, I am going to assume some stereotypes related to organized crime are true. One of those stereotypes relates to men, their wives AND their girlfriends. All the big shots in mobs do indeed have girlfriends to go along with their wives. I would like you to keep that in mind while reading this post. 

Tony is G-d when it comes to my history of television. I will admit that I will be showing a little bias towards him. Carmela, on the opposite side of the spectrum, was a grade-A bitch when it came to the HBO hit. She stole from him, had romantic affairs and tried to take his kids away. I will throw a bone her way as Tony cheated like the rest of them and by no means is that ever a right move by the father. Combine this all with the fact that Tony orders murder like you or I order a steak and you have relationship doomed for failure.

They made it through multiple seasons acting like everything was OK. After a while, Carmela even accepted the fact that Tony cheated and there was never going to be an end to it. However, after one of his girlfriends calls the house, Carmela decides she has had enough. They separate for a season and then slowly get back together. By the end of the No. 1 drama of all time, we see a happy family (kind of), capped by a trusting and somewhat honest relationship by Carmela and Tony.

But, as you will see by the title of this post, these are my top five most dysfunctional relationships on television. This relationship may (and I say may because we don’t know the true ending thanks to the writers), have ended up all dandy, but it by no means was functional. Yes they helped their kids out. Yes they provided a good image to the public (which was huge for a mob boss). But no, they didn’t ever truly trust each other. Later on, neither one showed affection or a desired sex drive towards the other. This by no means was a functional relationship and that is why they made their way to No. 2 on the list.

3. Jersey Shore: Ronnie and Sammi

As much as it pains me to put these two anywhere near a television post, I am glad they fall in this category. I used to love Jersey Shore as much as the next college frat boy. These guys drank, got in fights, had sex, traveled, went to the beach, worked out, did some laundry, drank more and had more sex. Who wouldn’t love that life? Ronnie and Sammi, despite the glamour of being single at the Jersey Shore, chose to be together. What a bad decision.

These two are a prime example why people hate being roommates with those in a relationship. Luckily for me, I have always had respectful girlfriends for my roommates, but G-d was this awful. Every week on the Thursday night drama/comedy/reality TV series, viewers would see fighting, crying, make out sessions and more from Ronnie and Sammi. Two seasons basically revolved around their messed up relationship. Ronnie, after another fight, goes back to their place and literally destroys her entire room. Who does that? Sammi even leaves the Shore at one point because of him. G-d what an awful and dysfunctional relationship.

Nowadays, people aren’t even sure if they are dating and that is a good thing. Who cares? Anyone with half a brain can see it won’t make all nine innings. These are two semi-famous celebrities who think they are in love and will ignore all the telltale signs of a dysfunctional relationship. That is why they made the list.

4. Sons of Anarchy: Clay and Gemma

Like my Sopranos post, Clay and Gemma come from a relationship of power. Clay is the head of a motor cycle gang that makes most of its income in selling guns. What a great idea for a TV show, right? Gemma, his wife, used to be married to John Teller, a founder’s wife. Clay and Gemma get together and devise a plan to get Clay to the head of the table. As you can imagine, many secrets needed to be kept. All those came to the surface this past season, driving Clay and Gemma over the edge, showing their true colors as a dysfunctional marriage.

When two people with malicious personalities, you know they are in for an uphill battle. First we have Clay who won’t admit that it’s time to put down the gavel. He is an old school leader who believes those who put time into something deserve all the benefits. Then you have Gemma, perhaps the most manipulative character on TV right now. Gemma, despite being a female, feels she is part, if not the leader of the Sons. That simply doesn’t work. She involves herself with issues that don’t involve her and it ends up hurting close relationships and running the club. This paragraph alone provides a great foreshadow moment and any occasional TV viewer should know why Clay and Gemma made this Power Ranking’s list.

5. Two and a Half Men: Charlie and any women

Despite a great viewership, Two and a Half Men is an average comedy at best. CBS may be the most watched network, but you can’t tell me they have the No. 1 new comedy, show, new drama, comedy and drama every season. Nevertheless, you would have to be living under a rock to not know the back story to Two and a Half Men and Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen (Harper in show) gave us eight sexy, comedic and modern seasons of a rich bachelor living the life. He goes out, drinks, has sex, writes music, drinks, drinks and has more sex. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? As you can infer, the Harper household was more of a hotel than a home. Girls were coming and girls were going. In season three it was April, who later became Alan’s (his brother) wife. In season six, you felt Charlie really had a chance with Chelsea. They really showed him trying to change. But what would this show be without Charlie Harper and his philandering (hence why people have stopped watching nowadays)? The premise of the show is a millionaire who sleeps around and lives with this poor and desperate brother. Messing with a premise, like throwing in a wife, is never good for TV and that is what Charlie Harper and any woman from Two and a Half Men is No. 5 on top 5 most dysfunctional relationships on TV.