Top 5 Most Dysfunctional Relationships on Television

1. House and Cuddy
2. Tony and Carmela
3. Ronnie and Sammi
4. Clay and Gemma
5. Charlie Harper and any woman

1. House: Greg House and Lisa Cuddy

Number one comes in from one of my longest running shows of all time; House. Sadly, this medical drama will be coming to a close after this season, but Fox brought us one of the most compelling, complicated and treacherous relationships of all time.

For those that don’t know, House is a medical genius and a first class asshole. He takes on the complicated cases not because he cares about the patient. He cares about the mystery of the disease. You can imagine how this human would interact with others. His boss for many a season was Lisa Cuddy. Ironically enough, after his first wife, this was his next mystery. Long story short, Cuddy actually loves him back and they form a relationship in season seven. This is not your normal relationship. Imagine a couple who never trusts each other. As a result, they analyze their lover’s every move. That is their relationship in a nutshell. If Cuddy didn’t eat her entire lunch, House would have to hypothesis what that meant. What was she thinking? Did something happen that morning? Now I realize a medical mind feels there is a scientific explanation for all decisions, but come on. There was no trust. There was no inner commitment. There was love, but it seemed to always be in question by one or the other. This relationship had no shot.

In the end, Cuddy realizes House hasn’t changed and never will. In return, House resorts back to drugs (an ongoing issue with the show) and drives his car into Cuddy’s dining room. Nice finish to a season, right? When you pull all these factors together, you get the top spot on my five most dysfunctional relationships on TV.

2. The Sopranos: Tony and Carmela

Considering I don’t have any friends in the mob, I am going to assume some stereotypes related to organized crime are true. One of those stereotypes relates to men, their wives AND their girlfriends. All the big shots in mobs do indeed have girlfriends to go along with their wives. I would like you to keep that in mind while reading this post. 

Tony is G-d when it comes to my history of television. I will admit that I will be showing a little bias towards him. Carmela, on the opposite side of the spectrum, was a grade-A bitch when it came to the HBO hit. She stole from him, had romantic affairs and tried to take his kids away. I will throw a bone her way as Tony cheated like the rest of them and by no means is that ever a right move by the father. Combine this all with the fact that Tony orders murder like you or I order a steak and you have relationship doomed for failure.

They made it through multiple seasons acting like everything was OK. After a while, Carmela even accepted the fact that Tony cheated and there was never going to be an end to it. However, after one of his girlfriends calls the house, Carmela decides she has had enough. They separate for a season and then slowly get back together. By the end of the No. 1 drama of all time, we see a happy family (kind of), capped by a trusting and somewhat honest relationship by Carmela and Tony.

But, as you will see by the title of this post, these are my top five most dysfunctional relationships on television. This relationship may (and I say may because we don’t know the true ending thanks to the writers), have ended up all dandy, but it by no means was functional. Yes they helped their kids out. Yes they provided a good image to the public (which was huge for a mob boss). But no, they didn’t ever truly trust each other. Later on, neither one showed affection or a desired sex drive towards the other. This by no means was a functional relationship and that is why they made their way to No. 2 on the list.

3. Jersey Shore: Ronnie and Sammi

As much as it pains me to put these two anywhere near a television post, I am glad they fall in this category. I used to love Jersey Shore as much as the next college frat boy. These guys drank, got in fights, had sex, traveled, went to the beach, worked out, did some laundry, drank more and had more sex. Who wouldn’t love that life? Ronnie and Sammi, despite the glamour of being single at the Jersey Shore, chose to be together. What a bad decision.

These two are a prime example why people hate being roommates with those in a relationship. Luckily for me, I have always had respectful girlfriends for my roommates, but G-d was this awful. Every week on the Thursday night drama/comedy/reality TV series, viewers would see fighting, crying, make out sessions and more from Ronnie and Sammi. Two seasons basically revolved around their messed up relationship. Ronnie, after another fight, goes back to their place and literally destroys her entire room. Who does that? Sammi even leaves the Shore at one point because of him. G-d what an awful and dysfunctional relationship.

Nowadays, people aren’t even sure if they are dating and that is a good thing. Who cares? Anyone with half a brain can see it won’t make all nine innings. These are two semi-famous celebrities who think they are in love and will ignore all the telltale signs of a dysfunctional relationship. That is why they made the list.

4. Sons of Anarchy: Clay and Gemma

Like my Sopranos post, Clay and Gemma come from a relationship of power. Clay is the head of a motor cycle gang that makes most of its income in selling guns. What a great idea for a TV show, right? Gemma, his wife, used to be married to John Teller, a founder’s wife. Clay and Gemma get together and devise a plan to get Clay to the head of the table. As you can imagine, many secrets needed to be kept. All those came to the surface this past season, driving Clay and Gemma over the edge, showing their true colors as a dysfunctional marriage.

When two people with malicious personalities, you know they are in for an uphill battle. First we have Clay who won’t admit that it’s time to put down the gavel. He is an old school leader who believes those who put time into something deserve all the benefits. Then you have Gemma, perhaps the most manipulative character on TV right now. Gemma, despite being a female, feels she is part, if not the leader of the Sons. That simply doesn’t work. She involves herself with issues that don’t involve her and it ends up hurting close relationships and running the club. This paragraph alone provides a great foreshadow moment and any occasional TV viewer should know why Clay and Gemma made this Power Ranking’s list.

5. Two and a Half Men: Charlie and any women

Despite a great viewership, Two and a Half Men is an average comedy at best. CBS may be the most watched network, but you can’t tell me they have the No. 1 new comedy, show, new drama, comedy and drama every season. Nevertheless, you would have to be living under a rock to not know the back story to Two and a Half Men and Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen (Harper in show) gave us eight sexy, comedic and modern seasons of a rich bachelor living the life. He goes out, drinks, has sex, writes music, drinks, drinks and has more sex. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? As you can infer, the Harper household was more of a hotel than a home. Girls were coming and girls were going. In season three it was April, who later became Alan’s (his brother) wife. In season six, you felt Charlie really had a chance with Chelsea. They really showed him trying to change. But what would this show be without Charlie Harper and his philandering (hence why people have stopped watching nowadays)? The premise of the show is a millionaire who sleeps around and lives with this poor and desperate brother. Messing with a premise, like throwing in a wife, is never good for TV and that is what Charlie Harper and any woman from Two and a Half Men is No. 5 on top 5 most dysfunctional relationships on TV.

Top 5 Dramas of All Time

Unlike comedies, TV dramas keep us on the edge of our seat week in and week out. Whether it’s a peculiar island, a mob family, a crazy doctor or a show about prohibition, dramatic television shows are where great writers shine and bring their imagination to the big screen. Here at the top five dramas of all time.

1. The Sopranos
2. 24
3. Lost
4. Dexter
5. Friday Night Lights

1. The Sopranos

America’s favorite mob family gave us six tremendous seasons of great television. Every Sunday night, you knew what you were going to get on HBO in that 8:00 time slot. Who would have thought a true mob television series would evolve around the boss and his psychiatrist? This series brought us sex, drugs, corruption, gambling, cheating, explosions, homosexuality and deception.

We had Christopher, the man who would one day take the big seat, but drugs and a wife who turned into a rat for the FBI changed all that. How about Tony’s best friend Pussy? He got caught pushing H and also became a rat. What a great way to end his Sopranos career on Tony’s boat getting shot up by Paulie, Sil and Mr. Soprano. Who could forget Carmela? Wait, on second thought, I can forget Carmela. Tony’s endless battle with his uncle June (who is making an appearance on HBO’s newest mob show) was another great story all together. And to think, creator David Chase had the confidence to end the entire series on a cliffhanger. What really happened in that diner that night?

When it’s all said and done, Tony Soprano is America’s modern day Don Vito Corleone. The Sopranos, simply put, was, and still is the best show to ever air on television.

2. 24

One of the most thrilling TV shows was 24. How could one come up with an entire television series running with actual time? Jack Bauer did it all. He jumped out of planes. He experienced three years of torture by the Japanese.  He watched friends turn on him and later get killed in combat. Jack, with the help of the Counter Terrorism Unit, saved the world multiple times throughout its eight season career. But what made this show No. 2 on my list was the writing. To think that a producer and writer could write an entire season that spans one day is astounding. Throw in the Middle-East, Russia, Japan, explosions, sexy costars (Kim Bauer), murder, technology, terrorism and you’ve got the No. 2 spot on my list.

3. Lost

If there is any show that thrills, entertains, angers or confuses a fan more, I haven’t heard of it. Lost may have been the most popular and most viewed show of any of my top 5. The endless question of what is going on never leaves the mind. The ongoing Kate battle between Jack and Sawyer sure sparks a debate at any Lost showing. How about the lead role debate? Do you prefer Captain America in Jack, the conservative doctor who seems to have all the answers? Or maybe you prefer John Locke, the liberal who welcomes the island and all its endeavors. Every good show needs plenty of subplots and Lost had no shortage of those.

In the end, what drove me to the show every week were the back stories. It’s amazing how Locke, a disabled and depressed man who was conned into giving away his own kidney, would become a leader and later the “smoke monster.” Hugo and his tenuous run of bad luck after winning the lottery was a personal favorite. As the series came to a conclusion, it was astounding how the power of the Island drives Jack into a mental breakdown and forces him back into no man’s land. But, as any fan knows, the power of Lost doesn’t only apply to the characters; the show itself drives it audience back every week.

4. Dexter

America’s favorite serial killer. One may notice a theme with my first three picks. We fall in love with television, but more specifically, we fall in love with a character on that show. Dexter is no exception. The blood analyst who goes out and kills the true enemy has made for a great series. Season one, the all important season that is supposed to entice the audience, did not disappoint. The creators brought us the Ice Truck Killer. Turns out, he is Dexter’s biological brother. After watching the inaugural season, the audience knew what they were getting into. And who could forget season two? Sergeant Doakes catches on to Dexter’s way of life, but in the end, fails like all those who oppose him.

The reason this show works is because we are rooting for what seems to look like a villain, but really is the hero. Everyone has that urge to be bad sometimes. We may not go as far as killing, but sometimes it slips into the back of our mind. On the other hand, we all want to make this world a better place. Dexter encompasses all these feelings (which is ironic because the premise of the show is largely based on a man who should have no emotion).  Our emotionless, quiet, meticulous, genius and wrenching serial killer comes in at No 4.

5. Friday Night Lights

Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can’t Lose. This is the phrase Friday Night Lights viewers came to love. It’s even Stuart Scott’s go to on Sportscenter. This is the true inspirational television show. Coach Eric Taylor is an All-Star coach, mentor and father in this five-season drama extraordinaire.

Unlike some of my earlier picks, this show is for everyone. It’s for the football freaks who love the weekly pounding of that Texas gridiron. It’s for the family who loves a censored drama that can relate to everyone. We have teenagers going through the daily grind of fitting in, dating, working and getting into college. We have the grownup relationship between Coach Taylor and his wife. If any couple knows how to fight in that loving manner we all seek; it’s them. And who can’t love that opening theme song by “Explosions in the Sky?”

But once again, we come back to television for that special character. Some may say Coach Taylor, but this guy’s going with Tim Riggins. Who doesn’t love a guy who binge drinks all night and the next day runs over a defense for two touchdowns? Hell, he even sleeps around with the hot mom next door. If that isn’t a high school star, I don’t know what is. At No. 5, the family drama of Friday Night Lights.

Honorable Mentions

• Sons of Anarchy
• Boardwalk Empire
• ER
• House

Top 5 Comedies of All Time

1. Seinfeld

2. Curb Your Enthusiasm

3. Modern Family

4. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

4. South Park

1. Seinfeld

I can sum up this entire show in one word; NOTHING. Other than quoting George during an episode, everyone knows that is all you need to know about Seinfeld. Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld created one of the most popular, hysterical and recognizable shows of all time on the premise of… nothing. Who would have thought that four friends, hanging out in a New York apartment and coffee shop, would turn into something so big?

The list of spectacular episodes goes on and on. First one that comes to mind has to be the contest. Who truly is king (or queen) of their domain? The soup Nazi is another classic. NEXT! Other great episodes include Babu, Little Jerry, Puddy and the Devils, the Chinese restaurant, Kramer’s intern and so much more. And how many Seinfeldisms were formed after this show? There is the yada, yada, yada, shrinkage, “get out” or even the interaction about car reservations. Seinfeld truly is the classic comedy of our time and it was based on NOTHING.

2. Curb Your Enthusiasm

Pretty, pretty good. Judging by my first two picks, you can imagine that I am big fan of Larry David. Unlike Seinfeld, this show isn’t necessarily about nothing, but nonetheless, it does not have much of an ongoing plot. Yet, Larry David plays the role to perfection. Shockingly enough, it’s almost as if he is not even acting. He is just being himself.

What other show could you get a random African-American family living in a mansion with Larry David who he just met weeks earlier? Or how about after Kramer’s incident at a late night club and then David incorporates into the show. Genius. A personal favorite had to be Wendy wheelchair and Denise handicap. Not in the same manner, but I think some of us can relate to inserting special names into our phones just so we remember who they are. Then we got the social assassin, the ratdog, the ski lift, the black swan and so many other memorable episodes. Larry David bleeds genius ideas. So, yeah, I’d say this show is pretty, pretty… pretty good.

3. Modern Family

Although I dislike picking shows that have not been on air for at least three or four seasons, Modern Family is undeniably moving up the ranks of best comedy of all time. If there is a classic, family oriented comedy with better writing than this, I haven’t heard of it.

As times change, so does TV. Men are marrying younger women. More and more states are allowing gays to marry. The goofiness of Phil can make any Wednesday seem that much brighter. Sofia, despite the most annoying voice on television, is gorgeous. Manny, and I bet I will get some grief for this one, is hysterical as a 12-year-old portraying a 40-year-old man. Then we get to Cameron and Mitchel. Cameron may be one the most underrated comedy actors on television right now. He is your stereotypical homosexual that people love to be around and love to watch. Modern Family reflects the way in which the world has changed and has turned into an ABC great we all love to watch. 

4. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Talk about a show of our generation. Four friends and a father own a bar and act out the dumbest, most hysterical and outrageous acts of all time. Think about this. When Dennis and Mac go to an abortion rally to hit on women was by none one of the funniest episodes of any comedy I have ever seen. The road trip is another fantastic episode. Who throws an entire beer bottle at a random biker? In the same episode, they play the drinking state game. According to D and Charlie, South Virginia and Detroit are states. Greatness.

Later on in the series, Frank comes to form. After becoming a raging alcoholic, he starts sleeping with his cousin and dropping acid. Speaking of the same episode, Charlie joins in on the acid and brings out green man. Charlie dancing around with the Mcboyles is a first class scene for the comedic ages. Think how prevalent green man has become. You can’t see a highlight of a Phillies game without seeing at least one of those in the stands. Although the series has gone a bit downhill the past two years, you can’t deny the greatness in the hit FX comedy.

5. South Park

As a true TV writer, I have to give credit where credit is deserved. Even though I have not seen many of the episodes, I fully understand the fame and popularity this show has generated over the years. South Park, unlike many other shows on TV, is not afraid to say what the world is thinking. Much like Always Sunny, South Park takes today’s topics, whether it’s social media, child molestation, human centipad or dumbass movies, and capitalizes on its faddish status. When a show holds nothing back, knows when to push the limits and has been on air for 20 seasons, it must make the list.

Honorable Mention

• Arrested Development
• Friends
• The Office
• How I Met Your Mother